“Maybe I’m Just Like My Mother …”

11I’m never satisfied.

I think it’s a problem. Or a little bit of a problem, at least. It’s like a constant voice in my head – a silent frustration that what I’m doing, what I have, and sometimes even, what I look like, are not enough. Even though, consciously I know that I’m doing well. Overall, I am very full: I have a good life and I am blessed with the things that truly matter: family, health, well being. Of that I am very well aware.

But when it comes how I feel about what I am actually doing with my life, I do wonder. I constantly feel like I should be further along in my career, so maybe the good job I have right now is not enough. I have a lovely home, but I often feel that it is not good enough to be a permanent situation.

I spend a lot of time wondering if I’m doing enough. Am I working hard enough? Am I making enough strides in my life? It seems that no matter how hard I do work, and no matter how good my situation is, at any given moment I can’t shake the feeling of wanting – craving – more. It’s not just about material things either. It’s about feeling needed. Like I’m putting all of my talents to good use. Like I’m making the most out of the time I’m given on this planet. I would hate to come to the end of this journey called life and think that I could have done more. Oprah Winfrey once said that when she dies she wants God to look at her and say “You did that!”  That is exactly how I feel but sometimes I can’t help but to think that my existence now is quite mediocre. And while I think it’s safe to say that Miss O is safely in the category of “yes, girl, you did”, I still feel like I have a ways to go. On a good day I try to harness that energy as motivation. On a bad day, it makes me semi-depressed.

The bad days are the times when I kick myself the hardest. I can’t help but to feel ungrateful if I’m not fully being appreciative of all the good fortune I’ve experienced. Don’t get me wrong, I do work hard. I am proud to accept the fruits of my labor as tokens of success. But there are days when I question myself about every grown up decision I’ve ever made. Those kinds of thoughts can rattle a person’s self esteem. For me, the challenge is not letting that happen too often. It is okay to reflect on one’s status and position in life. How can you grow if you have no sense of self? It’s a constant effort to remind myself that the negative thinking should always be harnessed as motivation.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting more, but when you work hard and are focused, there is something wrong when you don’t appreciate that about yourself.  We all do it, but the key to perseverance is to allow yourself to be motivated by your own desire for more.

Sound off: how do you handle moments of self-doubt?

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